I guess you know you’re getting a little older when you start contemplating youthful fashion trends instead of embracing them. There’s no better place to take it all in than from a bench at the mall or flea market. Below, a few trends I really don’t understand.

The Whole-Pants-Worn-Under-Your-Rear phenomenon: Hasn’t this been going on for years now? When is it going to sputter and die? If we could modify this trend, since it applies mostly to boys, it would help me tremendously. Let’s go in the other direction. Instead of having your pants hanging off your rear end, couldn’t it be cool to wear your pants too short? So instead of exposing a rear, expose your ankles! That way I can turn my kid’s highwaters into fashionable boy Capri pants. Who’s with me?

Ear gauges: These are dime-sized circles young people, mostly guys, wear in their ears. I’m not sure why. Because it’s cool, I guess, similar in part to the pants-around-the-rear thing. But in 10 years, or maybe even five, those young men are going to have ear flaps. I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing ear lobes are a lot like breasts. And once they get stretched out…well, you know. It’s not going to be pretty, boys. You’re going to want lobe implants. And I’m pretty sure insurance won’t cover it.

Hair feathers: Ah, the reincarnated roach clip hair accessory from 1982. Hard to believe that one came back, albeit it in a slightly different format. And the roach clip never had its own website, either. Hairfeatherstrend.com dubs hair feathers “trendy yet tribal” and suitable for folks of all ages, even for “trendy pets.” I think not.

Tongue rings: Since I’m starting to sound like a fuddy-duddy, can I just say I’m not against all piercings? After all, they’re not permanent and that fact alone wins them fad points, but I don’t understand why people pierce their tongues. First, ow. Second, ew. I always get the waitress with the tongue ring, and I immediately wonder how she keeps food from getting stuck in there and what it’s like clacking out Morse code while reading off the Specials of the Day.

Ponchos: Okay. This trend I actually like. I don’t particularly understand why the poncho fad from the ’70s is back, but I like it. True, it looks like you’re wearing a blanket with a hole cut in the middle, but, oh, how forgiving! Of what, you ask? Where to begin: the Halloween candy debacle, the incident with the Christmas cookies that never made it to the neighbors, the recent secret Girl Scout cookie binge that led to a mad dash to replace the inventory. So it’s with bated breath that I wait for the bathing suit poncho. Out this spring. I’m hoping.