Take "Master Chef."

My sister and I love that show, and on our vacation recently we whisked my mother off to the master bedroom to watch it because the men in the living room couldn't stop doing Gordon Ramsey imitations.

Soon the real Gordon Ramsey was giving directions for the mystery box challenge.

"Oh, a vegetarian mystery box challenge! That's hard!" I yelled. My sister sighed: "There better be portobello mushrooms in there."

My mother was cradling her wine in the center of the bed looking like she'd been hijacked.

"What's wrong, Mom?"

"Why are we watching this?" she asked.

We looked at her. "What do you mean? This is a great show!"

She pointed at my sister. "You never cook. Your husband cooks."

Then she turned to me, accusingly.

"And you! You struggle daily with cooking. Hourly! Why would you spend your free time watching this?"

It's the same thing with "Man vs. Wild."

"Shhh, y'all hush," I'll say. "Bear is going to show us how to use parachute straps to make a teepee."

Or transform urine into drinking water.

Or skin a deer and use its pelt to keep warm in the frozen tundra.

Or some other ridiculously impressive skill that I'll never need, because as my husband puts it, "We don't camp."

Wouldn't it be cool if there was a reality show that was both entertaining and dispensed useful information?

Such as:

What to say to the person behind you in the checkout lane who is hitting you in the heels with his cart when it's still your turn.

How to be graceful when someone gives you horrible directions and then triumphantly announces your late arrival: "Here she is, finally!"

What to do when you finally find a restroom, only to discover -- after the fact -- that you're alone and out of toilet paper.

The perfect response to: "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

A better excuse than "It's too hot!" for why you can't volunteer for field day.

How to pose in a bathing suit so you'll look 10 pounds thinner.

Ten reminders of why you should never pose in a bathing suit.

What to do with a pound of turkey bacon that expires tomorrow.

How to get dog diarrhea stains out of the carpet.

Survival indeed -- now that's a show I would watch.